Without You
by weirdgirl42
Summary: Set during "Truth and Consequences." What happens when the loss of Ziva sends Tony to the edge? Can Gibbs pull him back before he does something drastic? Tony/Gibbs Father/Son no slash and implied TIVA. Final chapter up!
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: This is my first shot at an NCIS fic. I've recently gotten into the show and I have to say, "Truth and Consequences" might be one of the all-time great episodes of television. Please review, I am uncertain of the character voices at this point and would love your feedback. Enjoy!_

**Without You**

_Ring, ring. Ring, ring._

Gibbs sighed and grabbed his phone from the workbench. Obviously whoever was calling was not going away. Without looking at the ID he flipped open the phone and spoke gruffly to whomever was interrupting his thoughts.

"What?"

"Gibbs?"

At the sound of Abby's voice, Gibbs's demeanor changed. She sounded small, scared. That never meant anything good. "What's wrong Abby?" he said, his voice much gentler now.

"It's Tony. I think something is really wrong with him."

Gibbs ran a hand over his face. It had been almost a week since the team had received news of the Damocles' fateful trip and the death of Ziva. It had hit them all hard, but none more so than Tony. Gibbs had watched his senior agent retreat further and further into himself over the last couple of days. But he was at a loss as to how to help the younger man.

"What happened Abby?" Gibbs asked.

On the other end of the line he could hear Abby hesitate, her voice cracking. "I came back to the lab because I forgot I had to run another test and I didn't want to wait until morning. I got here and Tony had left a movie on my desk. It's his copy of the Godfather Trilogy. There was a note saying that he wanted me to have it."

"What's wrong with that Abbs?"

Gibbs," Abby said, "it's signed by Al Pacino. This is like, Tony's most prized possession. And the note says that he wants me to know that he's sorry. I'm scared Gibbs. McGee told me that earlier Tony hugged him and said that he was proud of him. Something's wrong Gibbs. I think…I think he might do something bad."

Gibbs was already halfway out the door. "Abby, I'm going to go find him." With that he, hung up, jumped into his car and sped towards Tony's apartment.

Across the city at NCIS headquarters, Abby stood in her lab and hugged Bert close to her chest.

(***)

The door to Tony's apartment was unlocked. Gibbs slowly made his way inside, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. "DiNozzo?" he called, trying to make his voice steady.

When there was no response, Gibbs moved further into the apartment, checking each room but not finding Tony anywhere. Finally he pushed open the door to the bedroom and saw the younger man sitting in the corner. Tony was staring blankly out the window, his knees pulled up to his chest. His right arm was resting on his knee, his sidearm held tightly in his hand.

"Tony?" said Gibbs.

"Hey Boss," Tony replied, not looking away from the window. "Your gut tell you to come over here?"

"Abby," explained Gibbs. "Went back to the lab and found your present."

Tony's head bobbed up and down for a moment, the movement sluggish. Gibbs moved to sit down on the edge of Tony's bed and in doing so he caught a glimpse of a mostly-empty bottle of whiskey in Tony's left hand.

"She wasn't supposed to find that until tomorrow," Tony said.

"Yeah I gathered that," Gibbs replied. "You want to tell me what the hell you think you're doing?"

The change in Gibbs' tone caused Tony to finally turn and look up at his boss. "Do you believe in Hell, Boss?"

Gibbs blinked several times but didn't reply.

"I don't mean like, how war is hell or how losing someone you…someone you love is hell," Tony continued. "I mean, do you believe that there really is a place bad people go when they die? Fire, and brimstone, and Hitler and all that?"

"I don't know DiNozzo," Gibbs said honestly.

"Ziva told me once that Jews don't really believe in Hell. And that if you're a bad person, you just don't get to be reunited with your family and friends when you die. But you aren't tortured or anything. I told her that being kept away from friends seemed like torture enough for me." Tony took another swig from the bottle. "She just smiled at me when I said that. That smile she sometimes had when she didn't think I was being an idiot."

Gibbs' pulse quickened as Tony rubbed the muzzle of his gun against his temple. He began to calculate in his head the chance that he could take the gun away from Tony without Tony having the chance to fire. "DiNozzo…" he began.

But Tony cut him off. "I used to try every day to make her smile like that at me. And now she can't anymore. Not that she would even if she was alive. She hates me…hated me."

"She didn't hate you DiNozzo."

"Yes she did," Tony said, still moving the gun slowly against his brow, as if using the weapon to scratch his scalp. "Can't really blame her though can I? I mean, I did kill her boyfriend. Gonna be hard to make up for that one. They don't exactly make Hallmark cards covering that kind of apology."

"So this is what then?" asked Gibbs. "Penance? She died angry at you so you have to die too?"

Tony leaned his head back until it was resting against the windowsill. "No," he said, his voice quiet. "Not penance. I know I had no choice but to kill Rivkin, even if she couldn't see that."

"Then what?" said Gibbs. "Because this isn't going to help anyone DiNozzo. You blowing out your brains won't make her death less painful. It'll just mean we have to mourn you too."

"It's my only chance Boss."

"Only chance for what?"

Tony bit back a sob. "It's my only chance to see her again." Tears began inching their way down his cheeks. "And I just want to see her again."

"This isn't the way DiNozzo."

Tony laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. "You think I don't know that? I've been sitting here for three hours trying to get up the nerve and every time I get close I hear a voice in my head telling me that there's no point. Cause I don't get to go to heaven do I, Boss? I get to be one of the people who doesn't get to see their friends after they die. Ziva…no matter what she did, there's no way God wouldn't let her into heaven. But me…" As his voice trailed off, Tony's head fell against his knees and his whole body seemed to go limp.

Gibbs moved quickly and in a moment he had taken the gun from Tony's hand, released the clip and thrown the now-unloaded weapon onto the bed. Tony's reflexes were slowed by the alcohol and he didn't even notice he'd be disarmed until he felt Gibbs sit down next to him. When he felt the older man's shoulder next to his, Tony tried to shuffle further away, embarrassed his mentor was seeing him break down.

But Gibbs wouldn't let him hide. He wrapped his arm around Tony's shoulders, curling his hand to grasp the side of Tony's head. At the offer of comfort, Tony seemed to break. Sobs shook his entire body as he cried into Gibbs' shoulder.

"You can't bring her back Tony," Gibbs said quietly. "None of us can. And I know that right now, that gun seems like the best option. I know that it feels like you'll never breath right again. Believe me, I know."

Tony's sobs began to subside but he didn't move his head from Gibbs' shoulder and Gibbs' didn't let him go. In that moment, the two men shared a moment of recognition. The recognition of another who had lost someone they loved, someone they thought would always be there.

"I was right where you are," Gibbs continued. "But we can't give in. Not even for the chance to see them again."

"Why not?" asked Tony. "What possible reason could there be?"

Gibbs sighed. "Because think of how disappointed they'd be if we did."

It was as if a lightning bolt hit his brain. Tony thought of all the times Abby and McGee had tried to tell him in the last week about how Ziva would have wanted them all to go on, how Ziva would have wanted him to be happy. Their words had felt hollow and cold. But Gibbs' words rang true. Tony may not have believed that Ziva cared enough about him to want him to be happy, but he knew that Ziva would be disappointed in him if he allowed himself to die. Ziva would not have wanted him to be strong, she would have expected him to be.

Tony wiped at his eyes and took a few calming breaths. "You're right," he told Gibbs. "She'd call me a coward and kick my ass from one side of the afterlife to the other."

Gibbs patted the back of Tony's head. "Yes she would. Now pack a bag. You're staying with me for a while."

"Boss?"

"Just until I'm sure you're not gonna do something monumentally stupid."

Tony gave a short laugh and Gibbs was more relieved at the sound than he would admit. "Boss?" he said, not turning to face Gibbs.

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever breath right again?"

Gibbs paused, "Yeah," he said after a moment. "Eventually you do."

Tony let out a shuddering breath and nodded. But before he moved to stand up, he swore he felt Gibbs kiss the top of his head. The way he had seen his boss do to Abby, and Ziva, and even Kate. But as soon as it was there it had disappeared and the two men stood.

"Thank you Boss," Tony said, as he moved to pack his go-bag.

"Don't get me wrong DiNozzo," Gibbs said as they walked through the dark apartment. "You're in for a headslap like no other."

Tony winced at the thought.

"But for tonight," Gibbs finished, "I'll show you how to make sure the boat is water-tight."

Tony followed Gibbs out of the apartment, glancing at the team picture hanging in the front hall. Taken about a month before Jenny had died. "Sounds great Boss," he said.

**The End**

_Please review. I'm thinking about doing one more chapter that takes place after Ziva comes back._


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for all the great reviews. I've decided to continue the story two more chapters. They both take place just after "Jack Knife" and contain spoilers for all the season 7 episodes up to that point._

**Chapter 2**

"It's not normal."

Tony had to stifle a grin when McGee parroted the phrase he himself had used all those months ago. Looking around, he quickly made sure the subject of their conversation was not in the room. "I'm having a déjà vu moment," he said when he was sure they were the only two there.

"I'm serious," McGee said. "She stood there watching that truck nearly hit her. She didn't even try to move. That's not normal."

"Ziva's a trained assassin McGee, " Tony said. "Nerves of steel and all that."

"This is different, Tony. You should have seen her face. It was like…"

"Like she didn't care if she died," Tony finished.

McGee's shoulders slumped and he sat down on the edge of Tony's desk. "Yeah," he said. "That's exactly right."

The two men sat in silence for a long moment, both grateful that Gibbs had left for the night and Ziva was down in Abby's lab.

"It's a hard thing to come back from McGee," Tony said at last. "Your mind doesn't always follow its better self. It tells your body to do things that don't make sense. Sometimes it feels like two sides of your mind are at war with each other."

McGee's brow furrowed. "We've all been in situations we didn't think we'd get out of," he said. "But we always at least try. Ziva would always try."

"That's not what I…"

"No." McGee interrupted. "I know that Ziva went through hell. I know that what we experienced was nothing close to what she did. I know she must have though there was no way out but…"

"No you don't understand!" Tony said, standing up from his chair and bringing his hand down forcefully on his desk. "You have absolutely no idea what it's like."

McGee had backed up from Tony's desk, a little fear in his eyes.

"When we were in that room, did you think Gibbs would be able to do it?" Tony asked. "Did you think the plan would work?"

"I may have had a few minutes of doubt," McGee admitted.

"But you trusted Gibbs?"

"Yes I trusted Gibbs. And I trusted you. What does this have to do with Ziva? She didn't know about the plan, so of course she didn't think it would work."

"You're missing the point. It's not about believing the plan will work."

"Then what is it about?" Now McGee was beginning to get angry.

Tony sighed and sat back down in his chair. "It's about not wanting the plan to work."

McGee was stunned into silence. His mouth opened and closed several times but no words came out.

"Ziva didn't want to be saved. And when you tell yourself you don't want to live anymore, when you really believe you'd be better off dead, it can take a while to shake the desire to put yourself in harm's way."

McGee stayed quiet, knowing that they weren't just talking about Ziva anymore.

"You do stupid things," Tony continued, staring off into space as though he had forgotten McGee was even there. "You do things like stand in front of trucks, maybe go after a suspect without waiting for backup."

"Plan dangerous revenge missions to Somali terrorist camps," McGee stated quietly.

Tony looked up at McGee, his green eyes reflecting the truth of the younger man's statement.

"You didn't want Gibbs to save us that day?" McGee could hardly breathe around the words.

Tony stood and placed a hand on McGee's shoulder. "Tim listen to me very carefully, I absolutely wanted him to save you. That's why you were unconscious on the floor, and I was in the chair."

McGee was shocked, not only at the fact that Tony had used his first name and was touching him in a brotherly way, but at the seriousness of Tony's face and words. He knew in that moment how much Tony had suffered when they had all believed Ziva was dead. He also believed that the older man had genuinely wanted his fellow agent to be rescued from that prison. There was no teasing in Tony's voice, no indication of hyperbole or even selflessness. Tony had wanted McGee to survive, but had not wanted to survive himself.

The two men regarded each other in silence for a moment before Tony removed his hand from McGee's shoulder, grabbed his backpack, and headed towards the elevator. "I'll see you tomorrow McGee," he said.

"Tony!" McGee called. When Tony turned back to him he took a breath, "You aren't seeing a physical therapist right?"

Tony gave a small smile, it was McGee's way of checking that he was getting any help he needed. "You think I would be dumb enough to hurt my knee?" he replied.

McGee nodded and smiled back. "Good night," he said.

Tony gave an offhanded wave and walked into the elevator. McGee went back to collect his own belongings before calling it a night as well. As he gathered up his things his mind was racing with everything Tony had said. He was so preoccupied with his own thoughts that he never noticed Ziva who was standing in the shadows behind his cubicle, tears running down her cheeks.

_tbc_

_Please review! The more reviews the faster the last chapter will appear!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Final chapter. Thank you for all your wonderful feedback._

Gibbs pulled the piece of wood out of the steamer and quickly clamped it around the framing piece. As he made sure the clamps were tight he caught of flash of black in the corner of his eye. Turning around he saw that it was the black hair of his agent. He hadn't heard Ziva come into the house or down the stairs but there she was. Sitting on the third step, watching him.

"Think Tony might be right about you being a ninja," he said by way of hello.

At the mention of Tony, Ziva felt a lump form in her throat. Gibbs saw her flinch slightly and turned to take a good look at her. He saw that her eyes were slightly red, that they reflected pain and guilt and even anger.

"When you came for me in Somalia," she said, "did you know that he…that Tony…"

"Did I know that DiNozzo didn't want to come back?" Gibbs finished.

Ziva nodded.

Gibbs dragged a sawhorse over to the stairs and sat down on it. "I had a feeling," he answered.

"Then how could you let him go?"

"Because I had no intention of letting him get his wish. I thought that once he saw that vengeance doesn't feel as good as you want it to, he might start trying to live again."

Ziva shook her head. "I never wanted to put any of you in danger. It would have been better if you'd never come."

"Now that's crap and you know it."

If Ziva was shocked at the bluntness of his words, she didn't show it. The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes. Eventually Gibbs stood up and went back to his boat.

"The man who went into that cell was not the man who carried you out of it," he said. "He was so intent on holding on to you that he let McGee keep Saleem's gun."

Ziva took a halting breath, a flash of memory, of being held up and mostly dragged along a sandy corridor. "When Saleem took the bag off my head, Tony made jokes. As though no time had passed. I never thought…"

"All I know," Gibbs said, "is that I got two agents back that day. And I'd sure like to keep them both around."

"I do not know what to say to him Gibbs," Ziva admitted. "We spoke when I first came back. I apologized for what happened with Michael. But this, finding out that he wanted to…that I made him…"

Gibbs began slowly sanding. "You two are pretty good at talking without really saying anything. Maybe you should try just telling him the truth."

Ziva stared at the floor in front of her. "I do not want to break your rules," she said, her voice no more than a whisper. "I fear that would be the outcome of a truthful conversation between the two of us."

Gibbs kept his back to her. He knew that a Rule 12 violation was probably inevitable, but he wasn't sure he was ready to face the issue. There was another long silence. After a while, Ziva stood and began to make her way up the stairs.

"Ziver," Gibbs called.

Ziva turned to face him.

"You know why I made Rule 12 don't you?"

Neither of them had ever acknowledged the fact that Ziva was aware of his relationship with Jenny. "Yes," was all the reply she gave.

"Well, sometimes, there are other rules that turn out to be more important than 12."

Ziva looked at him, confusion in her eyes.

"When the time comes, you'll know," Gibbs said.

(***)

"We need to talk."

Tony blinked a few times, still not totally grasping the fact that Ziva was sitting on his couch. After his conversation with McGee in the bullpen, he headed straight to the gym and spent a couple of hours taking his stress, anger, and (if he was honest with himself) fear out on a punching bag. Tired, sweaty, and a little sore, he dragged himself back to his apartment only to see his partner camped out in his dark living room.

"How did you get in here?" he asked, glancing back at the door.

Ziva gave him a look one would give a small child asking an obviously question.

"Right," Tony said, "forget I asked. What exactly do we need to talk about? And can it wait until I've taken a shower?"

"It can wait."

Tony nodded and walked past her towards his bathroom. "Make yourself at home I guess. Not like I could stop you."

Ziva wanted to respond, his words held more bite than his usual teasing. But she stopped herself and let him walk away.

Fifteen minutes later Tony reappeared, his hair still wet, dressed in sweatpants and an Ohio State t-shirt. "So," he said as he sat down on the couch, making sure he was as far away from Ziva as he could get on that particular piece of furniture. "What do we need to talk about so badly that you would risk me turning you in for breaking and entering?"

Ziva looked at him for a moment, trying to catch his eye and see what emotions were held there. But Tony stared directly at the black screen of the television, refusing to turn his head and look at her. "I heard what you said to McGee," she told him.

For a moment, Tony thought about pretending not to know what she was talking about. Then he realized that he had never been very good at hiding things from Ziva, even less so since returning from Somalia. So he decided to go with snarky derision instead. "So I should add 'eavesdropping' to the list of your ninja skills then?"

Ziva didn't rise to the bait. She was used to his deflection. She had anticipated, if not expected it. After a few moments of silence she saw Tony's shoulders slump back against the couch cushions.

"What do you want me to say Ziva?"

"I do not want you to say anything. I want you to listen." She kept her eyes on him until he nodded and then she leaned forward, resting her forearms on her knees. "When Saleem pulled the bag off my head that day, I did not believe it was real. My mind would not accept the fact that you were indeed tied to the chair in front of me."

"Why not?" Tony asked, his voice quiet.

"Because I had dreamed it so many times. So many times I saw you and McGee and Gibbs standing in my cell, taking me out of there. Then I would wake up to the truth. That no one was coming for me. After what happened in Israel, why should you come for me?"

"What made you realize it was real?"

A smile ghosted across Ziva's face. "You asked me if I could fight. It was a question you had never asked before, a question you never would ask in my dreams. And there was a look in your eyes, a defiance and belief that I could somehow be useful. I knew my subconscious would never have created that. You brought me out of the cloud Tony."

Tony smirked, "Fog, not cloud."

"That is why," Ziva continued, ignoring his correction, "I did not think on the conversation we had before that moment. I forgot, until today when I heard you speaking with McGee, the things we said to each other."

Tony tried to swallow the lump he found forming in his throat. His pulse began racing, was she really going to make them talk about this? Did she really want the answer?

Ziva continued to speak, even though she could sense his hesitation. "Did you really mean what you said that day Tony? Do you really think you could not live without me?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Tony spoke. "When Saleem pulled the bag off your head, all I could think about was how I was going to get all three of us out of that room alive. I knew Gibbs could see what I could see, and I knew he'd be coming up with some sort of contingency for you. I ran the plan in my head over and over again in those few seconds, reworking everything to make sure we all got out. But I was hopped up on truth serum Zi, nothing I said to you was a lie. The world didn't spin right without you. I didn't work."

"You did not go into the office that summer?"

Tony smiled at her confusion. "No, I mean I didn't _work_."

Understanding passed over Ziva's face.

Tony chuckled, "It's funny, you know. When Saleem pulled that bag off your head he saved us both. If he had never brought you into that room, he could have had both our lives."

Silence fell again. After a moment, still looking straight ahead, Ziva reached over and covered Tony's hand with her own, linking their fingers. "I should have gotten on the plane with you," she said softly.

Tony felt a shudder run through his body at the feel of her hand in his. But still, he did not look at her. "I should never have let it take off without you."

(***)

When Ziva woke the next morning in a strange bed with a familiar arm resting lightly over her hip. Smiling, she took in Tony's sleeping form, amazed at how boyish he looked when he slept. Glancing at the clock on his bedside table, she realized they were going to be late if they didn't get a move on. "Tony," she said, running her hand through his hair. "Tony wake up. We did not set an alarm."

Tony mumbled, still mostly asleep, and slowly opened his eyes. When he took in her form and the fact that she was in his bed, a smile spread across his face. "I could get used to this image in the morning," he said in his usual, cocky tone.

Ziva rolled her eyes. "If we do not get up, Gibbs is going to…"

Suddenly the color drained from Tony's face. "Gibbs," he said. "Gibbs is going to lock me in one of the autopsy fridges and leave me to die."

Ziva squinted, it was too early to try and decipher his meaning. "Why would he do that?"

"Because I…because you and I…because we…we broke Rule 12. Oh this is so not good." At the pointed look Ziva gave him he quickly amended the statement. "I mean, it is good. It's amazing actually, but I'm not so sure he'll see it that way."

Ziva was about to respond that she was sure they could keep any inappropriate behavior out of the office when she stopped and really considered what Tony had said. Then Gibbs' words from the night before floated into her mind and she smiled. "No," she said. "I think you will find, ahuvi, that Gibbs does not mind so very much."

Tony was confused, but didn't argue. The two of them got ready for work and ate breakfast together. It was comfortable and not nearly as awkward as it probably should have been. Then they were out the door in plenty of time to make it to the Navy Yard in time. They agreed in the car to remain professional while at the office, or at least while they were in view of anyone in the office, though both struggled throughout that first day to keep the sly glances and secret smiles to a minimum. If Gibbs or McGee noticed, they didn't say anything. At the end of the day, Tony and Ziva left the building together, drove to Tony's apartment, made dinner, watched a movie, and went to bed together. As he was drifting off to sleep, Tony thought he could get used to this new way of life.

(***)

Back at the Navy Yard, Gibbs put the final signature on some paperwork and finally turned the light off over his desk. He pulled on his coat and as he was checking to make sure he had his phone, he felt a piece of paper in his inside coat pocket. Pulling it out he smiled at the words.

_Gibbs-_

_Rule 5. We will not waste good._

_-Ziva._

**The End**

_Please take the time to review. Thank you for sticking with this story._


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